Best Funny Quotes To Make You  Laugh 

“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”

—Mitch Hedberg

“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”

—Rose

“Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.”

—David Letterman

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”

—Jack Handey

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”

—Mark Twain

“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”

—Will Ferrell

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

—Rita Rudner

“Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to.”

—Phil Connors

“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”

—Erma Bombeck

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”

—Phyllis Diller

“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”

—Ellen DeGeneres

“Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”

“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”

—Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld)

“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”

—Michael Scott (Steve Carrell)

“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”

—Michael Scott (Steve Carrell)

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